Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
