people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
