Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
