I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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