i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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