ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
