no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
