Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
