I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How does one acquire holy water?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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