next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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