Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
