i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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