i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
