you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
