Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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