I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
