I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
