totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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