The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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