My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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