what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
