I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
