You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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