i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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