when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
