I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm jealous of your bromance
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
