Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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