listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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