Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
