Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
