Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
