There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
