3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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