Can i not drive my cunt home
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I love having hate sex.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
