I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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