I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
