Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
whose parrot is this?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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