i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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