Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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