wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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