Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
