Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
