at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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