better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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