I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
