Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
