Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
