dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
