Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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