I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
