so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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