so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
