Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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