there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
