If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
